Times they are A-changing
Tomorrow is December 1st. What a fucking roller coaster this year has been. So many things have happened since I last wrote - mostly fantastic things, which is a huge change from what my life is normally like - somedays it's hard to take it all in.
Recap: I met the best guy at the end of April - while hanging out with his best friend, who turned out to be a not so great guy. By the end of May we were talking to each other constantly. By the end of June we were dating. I hadn't been looking for a new relationship, but it found me and I am so glad.
Other changes include moving from Texas up north to the PNW (home!) this past summer; the kids are now in public school and they love it & they are thriving beautifully. I'm on sabbatical from my pursuit of my degree - I'm still not quite into the right headspace to tackle something so demanding at this moment while still feeling like I'm having to sort everything through still. And I've started a new job - it's being self-employed, so I can make my own schedule around what my family needs at the moment instead of being at someone's beck and call.
There have still been instances of pain and heartbreak, but they are fewer and farther between now, for which I am grateful. I still feel so bruised emotionally it's hard to imagine having the strength to deal with more pain. I found out not too long ago that my husband wasn't faithful before he died - it didn't really come as too much of a surprise, more of just a large disappointment. The old adage of "you think you know a person..." but it was something he had struggled with before we were married, so.... You just kind of think you've worked things out, and it's something you don't have to worry about, and then you find they were hiding things from you. Part of me is just glad I don't have to deal with any of that shit anymore - no confrontation, no lies or excuses, no deciding whether or not I should take him back.
One of the stranger things about this year has been all the friends and family coming out of the woodwork. C (6 years old) had literally never met any family outside of his dad, me, and his siblings. All of a sudden, he has two sets of grandparents descending, 6 aunts, various cousins, and close family friends all coming in to say "hi", cry, and hug. And of course after the wake and everything, everyone just disappears as quickly as they appeared; like ghosts or will o' the wisps. His poor little head was spinning, and he's still super confused as to whom all these new relatives are and why he doesn't see them, and why they were here. Thankfully being back up north, we are closer to at least one set of grandparents, whom he adores, and we get to see very often now. Who knows when everyone else will pop in again? (Most of them live on the East Coast.) In general though it's really awful how everyone pops in for a week, and then disappears while you're entire life is still a crumbled mess.
Anyways, Christmas is coming and life is still a struggle. But it's a brighter life for me than it's ever been, and I am thankful for that - while also being surprised and confused a bit by all the strange twists the PTB decide to throw at me. It seems so strange and awkward to tell people that my life is at a better place now than it had been before. Like it's some sort of betrayal... but it's not. It's just the truth, and I'm just doing the best I can with the little I've got, and hoping that tomorrow will be better.
Recap: I met the best guy at the end of April - while hanging out with his best friend, who turned out to be a not so great guy. By the end of May we were talking to each other constantly. By the end of June we were dating. I hadn't been looking for a new relationship, but it found me and I am so glad.
Other changes include moving from Texas up north to the PNW (home!) this past summer; the kids are now in public school and they love it & they are thriving beautifully. I'm on sabbatical from my pursuit of my degree - I'm still not quite into the right headspace to tackle something so demanding at this moment while still feeling like I'm having to sort everything through still. And I've started a new job - it's being self-employed, so I can make my own schedule around what my family needs at the moment instead of being at someone's beck and call.
There have still been instances of pain and heartbreak, but they are fewer and farther between now, for which I am grateful. I still feel so bruised emotionally it's hard to imagine having the strength to deal with more pain. I found out not too long ago that my husband wasn't faithful before he died - it didn't really come as too much of a surprise, more of just a large disappointment. The old adage of "you think you know a person..." but it was something he had struggled with before we were married, so.... You just kind of think you've worked things out, and it's something you don't have to worry about, and then you find they were hiding things from you. Part of me is just glad I don't have to deal with any of that shit anymore - no confrontation, no lies or excuses, no deciding whether or not I should take him back.
One of the stranger things about this year has been all the friends and family coming out of the woodwork. C (6 years old) had literally never met any family outside of his dad, me, and his siblings. All of a sudden, he has two sets of grandparents descending, 6 aunts, various cousins, and close family friends all coming in to say "hi", cry, and hug. And of course after the wake and everything, everyone just disappears as quickly as they appeared; like ghosts or will o' the wisps. His poor little head was spinning, and he's still super confused as to whom all these new relatives are and why he doesn't see them, and why they were here. Thankfully being back up north, we are closer to at least one set of grandparents, whom he adores, and we get to see very often now. Who knows when everyone else will pop in again? (Most of them live on the East Coast.) In general though it's really awful how everyone pops in for a week, and then disappears while you're entire life is still a crumbled mess.
Anyways, Christmas is coming and life is still a struggle. But it's a brighter life for me than it's ever been, and I am thankful for that - while also being surprised and confused a bit by all the strange twists the PTB decide to throw at me. It seems so strange and awkward to tell people that my life is at a better place now than it had been before. Like it's some sort of betrayal... but it's not. It's just the truth, and I'm just doing the best I can with the little I've got, and hoping that tomorrow will be better.
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