Come What May
Dealing with the death of someone you've loved is like being in a dream. It's not quite a nightmare - there are no monsters chasing you - but it's all strange and detached. It's one of those dreams where you just can't escape and you can't find what it is you are looking for. Going round and round, over and over - hoping it will suddenly appear and you can move on.
But it doesn't. And you can't.
My husband died suddenly just 3 weeks ago. He was 34, with a larger than life personality. He loved Superman and adored me & our children. He was so strong - one of the most resilient and determined people I've ever known. He had collapsed at home, on his way to bed, and then stopped breathing. I called 911, and by the time EMTs arrived he was revived. But his heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and they couldn't restart it. Our eldest son says he was so strong he had to die twice, because he was stronger than Death. That's the kind of man Nathan was, and that's the kind of family we are. We are resilient, determined, and strong. But at the moment I just feel in a haze, and kind of lost. People offer their help and their condolences, but I don't know what to say. Sometimes I want to be Orpheus or Frigg and demand my love back from the Underworld. Otherdays, it's more just responding with a polite no thank you. Well meaning people ask me what my plans are, like somehow all my plans didn't dissolve into aether on the morning of the 16th, and like I know what I'm doing.
Spoiler: I just really need a hug. And a cup of coffee or earl grey tea. hot. and another hug. And maybe an hour on a stationary bike.
But it doesn't. And you can't.
My husband died suddenly just 3 weeks ago. He was 34, with a larger than life personality. He loved Superman and adored me & our children. He was so strong - one of the most resilient and determined people I've ever known. He had collapsed at home, on his way to bed, and then stopped breathing. I called 911, and by the time EMTs arrived he was revived. But his heart stopped in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and they couldn't restart it. Our eldest son says he was so strong he had to die twice, because he was stronger than Death. That's the kind of man Nathan was, and that's the kind of family we are. We are resilient, determined, and strong. But at the moment I just feel in a haze, and kind of lost. People offer their help and their condolences, but I don't know what to say. Sometimes I want to be Orpheus or Frigg and demand my love back from the Underworld. Otherdays, it's more just responding with a polite no thank you. Well meaning people ask me what my plans are, like somehow all my plans didn't dissolve into aether on the morning of the 16th, and like I know what I'm doing.
Spoiler: I just really need a hug. And a cup of coffee or earl grey tea. hot. and another hug. And maybe an hour on a stationary bike.
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