one is the loneliest number....
one is the loneliest number that you've ever seen..... actually, I really dislike that song. And the movie Magnolia. But probably just because they won't stop playing that song.
Today is a weird day - all out of sorts. I've been lonely before, but not like this. This is deeper. Nathan had known me for so long, we were so comfortable together. I could literally say anything in any part of the conversation and he would know what I meant (it annoyed him sometimes, but he could follow). Now there's no one to talk to. No one to understand our inside jokes, no one to watch movies with (well, unless they are pg-13 or less), no one to talk to. Also no one to touch. That's something they really don't mention about being a widow - no more hugs or kisses. No sex. No one complementing you, or caressing you. You are just all alone in this strange horrid cocoon.
I want to kiss someone. I want to feel someone again. I want to not be lonely. And it's not that I didn't love my husband, or that I don't miss him. I ache for him, but he's not coming back. And this is kind of an unbearable shield - like a second skin that I don't want touching me, just hovering right around me. It all becomes awkward and problematic in so many ways. Once you tell someone your spouse died you get treated with kid gloves and placed far away on a shelf, out of reach. Just in general. You are supposed to remain a widow[er] for eternity. Anytime you start dating, or have any sort of urges you must be a horrible person, right? Me, personally, I haven't been intimate with anyone in about 6 months or more? due to my husband being injured previous to his death (the two were unrelated). But I'm 33. And I like sex. I'm not into any sort of real steady relationship right now, but I do just want to put that out there - as a widow, I'm NOT the one who died, mmmkay? [It's still okay for me to have sex, and want affection, etc, etc]
everything is weird. everything is a mess. everything feels like when you have something tiny poking you and you can't quite pinpoint it to get it off. everything doesn't fit quite right, it doesn't work quite right. thank the goddess for the rain, so I can just hide in my bed for a while. I wish it could be for longer. just a nice long storm, so I can hide in my bed, comfy with kitties and my littlest. I miss everything. I miss life. I kinda just want to be alone and quiet for awhile, but I can't. i'm tired. and there's just more stress and frustration on the horizon. and it seems like i'm all out of miracles [and have been for awhile], which also makes me sad - because surprisingly i'm an optimist. i'm an unabashed, jaded, depressed and hurt optimist. I keep hoping everything will be okay, and then I get punched over and over again by life. like last year: car broke down - took $1200 worth of work. just barely had enough. get car fixed, boom! lay off. okay, that's bad, but get up, dust off - let's go. new job. after a week - boom! Nathan in the hospital. shit. 2 weeks go by, thinking it'll be a third - good news! Nathan can leave, everything is getting better. then boom! nope, can't go back to work yet. need more antibiotics. need more meds & don't have enough for copays. trying to scrape everything together. finally. Christmas is coming, it's a mess. but we pulled it off - kids were happy. new years - disaster - ended up locked in at new years party, couldn't get home. finally get home, and start getting things back to normal and boom! Nathan dies. and this was just over a 2-3 month period. so overwhelming. still not recovered. need lots of miracles - big and small. worried there's no cavalry coming. Nathan and I were each other's cavalry. ::sob: I just need everything to work out, and it seems that's getting to be a bigger order every moment.
Today is a weird day - all out of sorts. I've been lonely before, but not like this. This is deeper. Nathan had known me for so long, we were so comfortable together. I could literally say anything in any part of the conversation and he would know what I meant (it annoyed him sometimes, but he could follow). Now there's no one to talk to. No one to understand our inside jokes, no one to watch movies with (well, unless they are pg-13 or less), no one to talk to. Also no one to touch. That's something they really don't mention about being a widow - no more hugs or kisses. No sex. No one complementing you, or caressing you. You are just all alone in this strange horrid cocoon.
I want to kiss someone. I want to feel someone again. I want to not be lonely. And it's not that I didn't love my husband, or that I don't miss him. I ache for him, but he's not coming back. And this is kind of an unbearable shield - like a second skin that I don't want touching me, just hovering right around me. It all becomes awkward and problematic in so many ways. Once you tell someone your spouse died you get treated with kid gloves and placed far away on a shelf, out of reach. Just in general. You are supposed to remain a widow[er] for eternity. Anytime you start dating, or have any sort of urges you must be a horrible person, right? Me, personally, I haven't been intimate with anyone in about 6 months or more? due to my husband being injured previous to his death (the two were unrelated). But I'm 33. And I like sex. I'm not into any sort of real steady relationship right now, but I do just want to put that out there - as a widow, I'm NOT the one who died, mmmkay? [It's still okay for me to have sex, and want affection, etc, etc]
everything is weird. everything is a mess. everything feels like when you have something tiny poking you and you can't quite pinpoint it to get it off. everything doesn't fit quite right, it doesn't work quite right. thank the goddess for the rain, so I can just hide in my bed for a while. I wish it could be for longer. just a nice long storm, so I can hide in my bed, comfy with kitties and my littlest. I miss everything. I miss life. I kinda just want to be alone and quiet for awhile, but I can't. i'm tired. and there's just more stress and frustration on the horizon. and it seems like i'm all out of miracles [and have been for awhile], which also makes me sad - because surprisingly i'm an optimist. i'm an unabashed, jaded, depressed and hurt optimist. I keep hoping everything will be okay, and then I get punched over and over again by life. like last year: car broke down - took $1200 worth of work. just barely had enough. get car fixed, boom! lay off. okay, that's bad, but get up, dust off - let's go. new job. after a week - boom! Nathan in the hospital. shit. 2 weeks go by, thinking it'll be a third - good news! Nathan can leave, everything is getting better. then boom! nope, can't go back to work yet. need more antibiotics. need more meds & don't have enough for copays. trying to scrape everything together. finally. Christmas is coming, it's a mess. but we pulled it off - kids were happy. new years - disaster - ended up locked in at new years party, couldn't get home. finally get home, and start getting things back to normal and boom! Nathan dies. and this was just over a 2-3 month period. so overwhelming. still not recovered. need lots of miracles - big and small. worried there's no cavalry coming. Nathan and I were each other's cavalry. ::sob: I just need everything to work out, and it seems that's getting to be a bigger order every moment.
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