Everything Will Be Okay....
Everyone has regrets- things they wished they had done or said, or not done or said. When someone we love dies some of those regrets take on a kind of absurdity and life of their own.
As I’ve said before, my husband was a very strong, determined, and resilient man. His life had been hard - but he fought valiantly against his heart becoming cold and bitter. He was the kindest man I knew. He also suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. At times his depression was so deep he worried he’d never make it out, but he fought hard for my sake, our children’s sake, and ultimately for his own sake.
But last year was a fucking nightmare.
and the whole time, I just kept trying to keep everything together, and everyone positive. talking and planning about normal type things, reminding Nathan that everything will be okay...
I haven't been able to say those words since he died.
everything was not okay. everything is not okay. this is all royally messed up. my life is gone. my kids....... my kids are hurting and I can't fix it. my youngest, 5, can't quite figure it out and is trying so. very. hard. to understand what exactly this means.
how it means no more hugs, and is it because da is mad? how am I sure I can't just go pick him up from the hospital now? how about now?
is every other kids' dad going to die too? what will happen to all the kids?
how he needs to tell everyone that his dad died, and where are their dads? did their dads die too? why not? why not? why do some dads die, but others don't? and why won't da come, because maman is crying and needs a hug from him? maman please don't leave me....
how do I explain this more than I have? I can't. there's no way to... there's no better answer. the only answer is "because he's dead", and that means what?
it's hard to be okay.
it used to be hard to be great. now it's hard to be okay. please, let it never be easy to be horrible.
I thought I had failed him, for telling him that everything would be okay, and then it wasn't ever. we never got that far. we never even got to the bottom of the curve before he left.
maybe it means at least he left with some hope, and not terrified. please don't let him have been terrified. at least he knew he was loved. and wanted.
As I’ve said before, my husband was a very strong, determined, and resilient man. His life had been hard - but he fought valiantly against his heart becoming cold and bitter. He was the kindest man I knew. He also suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. At times his depression was so deep he worried he’d never make it out, but he fought hard for my sake, our children’s sake, and ultimately for his own sake.
But last year was a fucking nightmare.
and the whole time, I just kept trying to keep everything together, and everyone positive. talking and planning about normal type things, reminding Nathan that everything will be okay...
I haven't been able to say those words since he died.
everything was not okay. everything is not okay. this is all royally messed up. my life is gone. my kids....... my kids are hurting and I can't fix it. my youngest, 5, can't quite figure it out and is trying so. very. hard. to understand what exactly this means.
how it means no more hugs, and is it because da is mad? how am I sure I can't just go pick him up from the hospital now? how about now?
is every other kids' dad going to die too? what will happen to all the kids?
how he needs to tell everyone that his dad died, and where are their dads? did their dads die too? why not? why not? why do some dads die, but others don't? and why won't da come, because maman is crying and needs a hug from him? maman please don't leave me....
how do I explain this more than I have? I can't. there's no way to... there's no better answer. the only answer is "because he's dead", and that means what?
it's hard to be okay.
it used to be hard to be great. now it's hard to be okay. please, let it never be easy to be horrible.
I thought I had failed him, for telling him that everything would be okay, and then it wasn't ever. we never got that far. we never even got to the bottom of the curve before he left.
maybe it means at least he left with some hope, and not terrified. please don't let him have been terrified. at least he knew he was loved. and wanted.
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