3 AM
It's 3:30 in the morning. Lately it seems as if it's always 3:30. No one tells you that you won't be able to sleep after this. Sometimes I worry because I don't dream about him, but on the other hand I stay awake as long as possible, so maybe I'm just too exhausted to remember any dreaming.
I'm still working hard on my schoolwork. It's awkward - Nathan died the morning of the first day of the term, so I'm a bit behind on math, but I'm fine with everything else. Math is actually so comforting right now. It's just numbers, and everything fits just so. Sometimes I still forget to swap signs when multiplying, but I'm making progress. I have my first quiz coming up on the 19th - I'm a little worried, but not much. My history and government classes just seem to be a bit on the pedantic side. [The classes are] Trying to skate the thin line between acknowledging current events while still remaining apolitical. It's not really working, and I don't appreciate it. Perhaps though my normal impatience with tiptoeing around has morphed into a giant 'get over it' attitude.
It's been hard this week - I got Nathan's death certificate on Tuesday, and so I've been running around closing accounts, making copies, and talking to creditors. I'm tired of the 'polite' "sorry for your loss" condolences. Real strong hugs from friends and family are way better. I've shocked a couple of people by pointing out it's okay, they didn't know him. No one knows quite how to respond to that, but how am I suppose to respond to everyone else? I've also stopped with the reserved polite answer of "fine" when someone asks me how I'm doing. Now I tend to say "tired" or "falling apart", although I think I started crying at the store yesterday, so I'm sure that didn't help. Sorry Target employee. Didn't mean to scare you.
The highlight of my week was meeting a wonderful lady at a payday loan place - she was waiting for someone and we had a great talk about biology, science, college, grief, and 5 year olds. I have no idea who she was, but I hope that she is always blessed for the hope she gave me.
I'm still working hard on my schoolwork. It's awkward - Nathan died the morning of the first day of the term, so I'm a bit behind on math, but I'm fine with everything else. Math is actually so comforting right now. It's just numbers, and everything fits just so. Sometimes I still forget to swap signs when multiplying, but I'm making progress. I have my first quiz coming up on the 19th - I'm a little worried, but not much. My history and government classes just seem to be a bit on the pedantic side. [The classes are] Trying to skate the thin line between acknowledging current events while still remaining apolitical. It's not really working, and I don't appreciate it. Perhaps though my normal impatience with tiptoeing around has morphed into a giant 'get over it' attitude.
It's been hard this week - I got Nathan's death certificate on Tuesday, and so I've been running around closing accounts, making copies, and talking to creditors. I'm tired of the 'polite' "sorry for your loss" condolences. Real strong hugs from friends and family are way better. I've shocked a couple of people by pointing out it's okay, they didn't know him. No one knows quite how to respond to that, but how am I suppose to respond to everyone else? I've also stopped with the reserved polite answer of "fine" when someone asks me how I'm doing. Now I tend to say "tired" or "falling apart", although I think I started crying at the store yesterday, so I'm sure that didn't help. Sorry Target employee. Didn't mean to scare you.
The highlight of my week was meeting a wonderful lady at a payday loan place - she was waiting for someone and we had a great talk about biology, science, college, grief, and 5 year olds. I have no idea who she was, but I hope that she is always blessed for the hope she gave me.
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